who i fuck.

The gay thing has been hard lately. I feel like there is this whole new layer of finding out who I am and what that means. Does who I fuck really determine so much of what I am? Because I prefer a boy to a girl… I find myself wondering if my shirt is too tight, if my music is too bubblegum, if my hobbies are too fem. I know the right thing to say right now. I know the right thing to write to make it sound like I have a plan of action and to make you think that I see the light at the end of the tunnel on this one but honestly, its not how I’m feeling. It’s not where I have been. I’ve always hated the idea of someone knowing I was gay. I’ve always felt violated that someone would box me in and begin to dictate exactly what it was I was supposed to be based on the stereotypes or judgments they know or assumed, even out of love. I am not in a place where I can fake it any longer so I can’t be offended when someone assumes but I haven’t made it to that place where I am okay with it. It’s a ripped up, rough journey when you try to move from a place where you care so much what others think, to a place that is genuine and honest. I have found that when I risk hearing the truth, I am also risking my own feelings. But it is what it is. I don’t have any idea how to be something other than me. I don’t know anymore how I would go about faking it, but more than anything else lately; I ask myself if people know. I wonder if they are picking up on it. I wonder if they are aware. I wonder if everyone in the world knows and is playing me off like the kid in class that is stupid but just a little too sweet to tell him to his face. You may be in a place where you would wonder why I care or wonder what the big deal is. All I know is that I do care and getting from point A to point B means working my way through this. I have a family that denies this part of me and I have a conservative workplace that I feel doesn’t welcome the news. I find myself, lately, caring a little too much what other think. Only when I care more for my own happiness than living up to what I feel I need to be in order to attain esteem, will I move past it.

I learn my lessons well and I don’t like to make poor decisions twice. Boys are inherently evil to some extent, I know this… but it hasn’t stopped me from trying to find a connection. Even right now, he’s far away and I miss him and the thing that really upsets me is the fact that I feel guilty about this. I think I’ve played up the downside of being emotionally involved with someone so much that even the slightest tingle.. and I just want to protect myself. I will force myself to think of me even though the natural reaction is to think of him. I don’t know how much of me he can handle in this space. I’ve never seen him in this setting so everything is a new arena. The thing is that in this moment, I do feel sad and even though it’s not the end of my world, it really doesn’t take away the heart-twitching that I feel when I think about him and I wish in moments that I could I know how he missed me. To know what that felt like for him. I know I like to be treated well. I’m not high-maintenance with love but I do want to be recognized daily. And I’ve little tolerance for anything less than what I want. Most people are born this way because they are selfish as sin but I’ve simply made it a coping mechanism. After too many scenarios with 2 very different boys, anything that could happen, I’ve already seen myself in. I already know the outcome and there is always little deviation. And I’m certainly not going to attempt to change someone. I’m protective as shit when it comes to my friends and family. My favorite characteristic in anyone is loyalty. I get annoyed easily with attention deficit disorders, especially in a boy. If we sign up for a relationship, then I’m signing up for life. That’s just me. I don’t make 3 week commitments, nor 4 years commitments (contrary to my record) … I’m a lifer. I’ve reviewed it and contemplated it and it’s simply my way and I don’t have to defend this to know who I am and what I choose to be. I’m even-keeled and I’m more thankful than I am a complainer. I know what I want and I find ways to achieve things, even though it can take its toll.

I ran into a boy last night. He was the first boy I went on a date with when I moved back. One of the cutest guys in the entire city and I look over at him and I ask him if he’s dating anyone and he tells me he’s tried to look outside of the city but hasn’t had any real luck. He looks at me and tells me that he would rather date someone from here but that I was the only guy in the entire area that was worth it and then sarcastically reminds me how I didn’t want him… so he’s basically screwed. And I look at him and can’t deny my attraction to everything on the outside but he’s right… he can’t even carry a conversation and I know what I need. So we never made it into each other’s arms no matter how perfect things might have seemed to go together on the outside… you can’t make something it is not… and I certainly have no desire.

But I have moments where the loneliness feels a little too real and even though I know that things can change in a day I still feel what I feel. I have a feeling that who we are on Friday and Saturday night when we shine ourselves up and go out and socialize, is nothing compared to who we are the rest of the week. And maybe I’m just having a rough moment and maybe I’m taking things too seriously but I think its easy to front and I think its easy to say that everything is fine and I think it’s easy to not show emotion and I think its easy to just pretend your straight instead of giving people a piece of ourselves because its embarrassing, because its awkward, because it is scary, because it is unconventional, because it is opening the door to who we really are a little too much… but more than anything I think that it confronts the cold hard truth that some can, and at some point will, reject us for who we really are.

earned my smiles.

wednesday night on the cusp of something bigger than before. a little determination goes a long way but i've more than a little. i'm sitting on the edge of a crescent moon watching for my next step and trying to take in the bigger picture. always the bigger picture. life can be big and frightening and scary an unknown some nights. not the kind of night that makes you fragile, just aware. aware that things change in moments that impact us for years. and years take toll on our hearts and our accumulation of moments can betray. always in the pursuit is what i seem to be. i switched from the pursuit of holiness to the pursuit of happiness nearly a decade ago... and the question i have to ask myself.. .. the question we have to ask ourselves is... have i found it? have we found it? sometimes its so easy to smile and sometimes we have to remember but it doesn't make us any less thankful. i find myself at times remembering to smile which only makes me feel like i've earned my smiles and i'm more mature because i can know that life can always be worse and that i can always find myself unhinged (like in 2007... it's only a moment away) and that i can always find lists of things to be thankful for and compare myself into blissful luckiness in a world that can be dark and cold and unmatched.

i am thankful for two arms to type. for two hands that can find a rhythm between my mind and my heart to be able to share my inner most ideas and thoughts and hopes and dreams. for people that love me in hopes that i can continue through each day feeling a part of something, feeling connected, and hoping that i am not left behind. for the avenues of technology that bring us together. for people that attempt to love us, even if they can't do it 100%, for remembering i am my worst enemy and silencing those voices that try to deter me, for determination and looking my darkside in the eye and fucking it over, for the renewal of myself that will someday (maybe in august or maybe 7 years from now) allow me to love someone completely without judgment and without condition and without codependancy.

to my sweet friends that hook me up to love and laughter and life and .... to a romantic connection that allows me to love you on a level that most people never have the honor of being able to see... to my family that loves me in their own way even though their love for the bible blinds them to being able to see me in completeness... to my pocket book for not controlling me... to my debtors for not taking up space in my mind... to my levi for being everything i need every time i need it. you are my heart. now, before, & continuing forward..

fireworks.

to be obsessed with someone... what a luxury. i'm picky as fuck. won't waste my time on something that doesn't do it for me. you're that boy from the magazine. it's sitting on my coffee table right now. and it's early in the morning and you know i like to start my day off right and slowly things come off one at a time and i think about nudging you for fireworks because you make me explode. you snuck right in and now i'm so obsessed with your body baby. the thought of the weight of your body on mine makes my eyes shut tight and i hold the thought. you in red boxer briefs and me in sweat-shorts. and i'm thinking about it in a way so tragic for my heart but so right for me when i'm laying here pulling a number. thinking about you taking charge. the way i fight back for control and you tell me no with your lips and tell me yes with your hands. man, i'll fight you on this one. i want you in my mouth before i'm in yours. i want something held tight in my hands first. are you awake yet? can i go down while you stay up? when the light creeps through the window and stretches across the carpet, i want to stretch across you and make you breathe and moan from an overdose of me. i want to give it to you so many times that you can't even remember the other guys that had you before me. i want to be the one that knows exactly what you like, when you like it, and how you need it. you can sit at your laptop and trip out on fantasies and pictures and imagine some boy giving it to you so... and then you can call me up and i'll come finish you off. you can come onto me in the dressing room at the gap. you can have me in the parking lot at the mall. you can feel me out in the car in the middle of the day dying of heatstroke and i'll be ready. if this doesn't work out then it doesn't work out... no pressure... but i want it to be you. when its this time of the morning i need you. i need you to tease me on the v of my waist. i need your lips on my shoulders and neck. i need you to push my neck all the way back. i need your lips on mine. i need your hands in my hair. i need you to get that look. damn i miss it. and when i spread your legs and when i throw everything else off the bed... i need you to tell me how good it is... how much you want it... how much you need me to keep going... while youre holding my gaze and going crazy. i need you to tell me not because you have to not because you think it might be nice... i only need you to tell me when its true. i miss you without clothes. i miss you on your back. i miss your legs in the air. i miss your arms around me tight. i miss you gasping for breath. i miss you holding the rhythm and speeding it up until its too late and again i fall victim to your love.

confrontational skills.

he thinks i need to work on my confrontational skills and i think if he tells me this one more time he will see how much i don't need to work on them. i've not been walked on so much as i've pleased people with my backside my entire life. there was a quiet rebellion mixed in but when it came to keeping people happy i would easily sacrifice my happiness for their control. when it came to love i would sacrifice my need for their security. i think i've more than proven that the person i am evolving into wants to be heard.


when love got sticky early this year, i confronted it. i felt i had a right to know what he wanted and he had a right to know what i wanted and because of it, i was able to see someone on the inside and what i saw was amazing and because of it, i let him in.


two weeks ago, someone made a homophobic remark to me in public with a dozen people surrounding us. a perfect stranger. not only did i confront him, but i put the attention on him and handed him his pride on a platter. and as a result i received an apology in front of everyone. i chose not to deny my sexuality but instead stood up and broke his stereotype and i bet he'll think about it before he does something like that again.


at work, when something is uncomfortable i find ways to bridge the gap. the only thing that i have to lose that i care about is my self respect. i care about it more than the money or the responsibility.


push me far enough and i will push back. i used to feel obligated to stay in touch... to reach out... to be nice to people i was abused by but now i see there is nothing in that. there is no reason. the people i am in touch with serve a purpose for me. they may not be the purpose you would expect but they are there for a reason that is acceptable. i will not be walked on or persuaded. i will be a force and have a purpose all my own.